Fields Of Innocence
by Exploded Pen
Summary: Jonathan Archer finds he has many things to reflect over following the completion of the Xindi mission...


**000 Disclaimer, I own nothing, at all 000 Thanks have to go to the Libran Iniquity, bringer of great conversation and reader of my WIP's lol.**

**Okie, dokie folks, we got us an Archer song fic, The song being Fields of Innocence by Evanescence, set just after they returned home from the Xindi mission, be gentle, Archer is not the easiest cahracter for me to write for 000**

Jonathan stood staring at Starfleet Headquarters, a building that had once stood out proudly in his mind, a place that signified hope, honour and the development of humanity.

His mind flickered back to his first days as Enterprise's Captain, how naïve he had been…

_I still remember the world  
From the eyes of a child_

How wonderful it had felt, to be setting off into the unknown. His father's words echoing in his head 'Don't be afraid of the wind…'

A brand new crew, a brand new ship, the gentle pulse of his father's engines felt throughout the ship, he remembered how wonderful it had felt. Everything was new and exciting, any possible hint of danger clouded by a childlike wonder.

Not that there hadn't been any danger, but back then, it had been about the exploration.

_  
Slowly those feelings  
Were clouded by what I know now  
_

He chuckled to himself, quietly and moved back to sit on one of the outdoor benches. That was when he assumed his armoury officer was a just a little over the top concerning security.

God, he wished he could think that again.

Starfleet Headquarters looked dark and imposing as he gazed at it. The Universe was no longer an exciting place, there was no more wonder, there was survival.

He was no longer looking through rose tinted glasses; humanity's list of enemies was increasing with what felt like every step they took.

His faith in his own humanity was failing.

_  
Where has my heart gone  
An uneven trade for the real world_

There had been nights that Jonathan Archer had lain in his bed through the night, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what he was turning into.

A fighter perhaps? A fighter rather than an explorer? He couldn't deny that he couldn't find it in him to look up at the stars with the same sense of wonder and purpose that he had done before.

The stars in their eternal beauty held no excitement for him anymore. They held a subtle undertone of danger, a foreboding of darker times.

Jonathan shuddered.

_  
Oh I... I want to go back to  
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all_

Why couldn't he take joy from the stars? Why did he have to watch the destruction of his crew?

Because they had been destroyed, many killed…He closed his eyes a moment in silent prayer for the dead.

To cope he had closed himself off, he had to remain strong, the fate of the Earth depended upon him and his crew.

"The needs of the many," he whispered to himself, "outweigh the needs of the few…"

He chuckled quietly to himself, both surprised and ashamed to find he agreed. During the mission, only the billions of people back home had mattered, his crew somehow seemed less important, but he had still had to keep them alive because there was no way to gain new Starfleet personnel along the way.

I still remember the sun  
Always warm on my back  
Somehow it seems colder now

A tiny voice in the back of his head made itself known. 'You still cared,' it reminded him gently. 'Each death still hit you hard…'

Jonathan sighed. Had the deaths mattered because of the crewman or woman he lost, or because he'd lost another person to help destroy the weapon? He couldn't bring himself to answer his own question.

He wasn't sure he would like the answer.

Brand new crewmen exited Starfleet Headquarters laughing and joking with each other. They appeared to be in high spirits and Jonathan heard the word 'Columbia' being bandied about between them.

They passed him and nodded in greeting. Jonathan caught the gaze of a straggler and was offered a smile; a smile that didn't extend to the young man's eyes. 

Where has my heart gone  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger

What had been the look in the young man's eyes? Respect perhaps? Maybe.

There was nothing to respect. Jonathan had done his job, he had saved the world, been thanked in a nice ceremony and had gone back to normal daily life, whatever that is.

Jonathan let out a hollow laugh. There was no such thing, normal days didn't exist, he didn't have the luxury of just slipping back into society, unnoticed…_normal._ He was a celebrity of sorts; he had schools named after him, and his name had appeared in the newspapers on countless occasions.

He would walk down the street and people would know his name, know his face. He would be able to see the conflict on their faces as he passed, was he good for 'saving the world' or was he bad because of the lengths he went to, to do it.

_  
Oh I... I want to go back to  
Believing in everything _

Jonathan stood up and stretched. He started to wander slowly towards Starfleet Headquarters.

For him, that was the real issue. When he first started out he would never have even considered doing what he had to do. It would have been morally wrong, against everything he believed in.

Of course, back then, he didn't have the death of millions to spur him into action. Back then the world was rosy, the Universe was exciting, and he was happy, happy with his job and happy with his choice in life. Back then his biggest problems were avoiding the Klingons, the Suliban and trying not to muck up first contacts.

new paragraphs

His mission was never to save the world – it was to explore.

It wasn't a matter of life or death for billions - it was just simple exploration with the occasional dangerous situation thrown in for good measure.

Jonathan paused.

_  
Where has my heart gone  
An uneven trade for the real world_

Did he want to go back to being that naïve? If he had been a little more cautious in those early days he imagined that things would be much different. Perhaps a little less time in sickbay for some of his officers, his lips twisted into a smirk; after all these years Malcolm's pleas for more security had finally registered.

Perhaps a little paranoia was a good thing.

He continued walking towards Headquarters, the break from work he'd allowed himself was nearly over and there was work to be done before Enterprise could leave Dry Dock again.

Jonathan sighed and paused again. His thoughts began drifting back along the track they had made. Maybe it wasn't the naivety he missed, maybe it was the belief that no matter what, everything would be ok, maybe it was the trust that not everyone would try and kill them.

Or maybe it was all of the above.

He walked forward again and the door opened for him. He stepped through into the foyer and his eyes rested on the Starfleet badge, adorning the back wall.

He had once been proud to be part of the organisation, but it was being part of that organisation that left him where he was now.

Confused and angry. Angry with himself.

He averted his gaze from the logo and walked towards the lift. There was work to be done, people to talk too, ships to rebuild…and innocence to mourn.

_  
Oh I... I want to go back to  
Believing in everything  
Away  
_

He crossed the corridor into the room he'd been working from only to find someone coming out.

"Captain Archer!" The young man stuttered slightly, a guilty expression briefly passing across his face. "Admiral Forrest sent me, with a datapad, you weren't in…so I just left it on your desk."

Jonathan smiled slightly. "That's fine, Crewman."

The young man nodded relieved and stared at Jonathan for a few more seconds.

"Was there something else?" Jonathan asked gently.

The young man averted his gaze. "Just wanted to say…thank you, for what you all did…"

Jonathan opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, eventually he settled for what he hoped was a warm grin. The young man smiled and left quickly, hurrying off down the corridor.

_  
Where has my heart gone  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger_

Jonathan watched him leave. He turned into the room and crossed the floor to his desk.

The datapad lay there, dead centre, beckoning for him to read. He picked up the pad and glanced at the message at the top.

**Jon, **

**here's a list of those to…fill the empty spaces in the crew manifest.**

_  
Oh I... I want to go back to  
Believing in everything_

Jonathan closed his eyes. The faces of the dead flashed past in an agonising manner, he could remember each one as clearly as if they were stood in front of him.

He opened his eyes.

Had the deaths mattered because of the crewman or woman he lost, or because he'd lost another person to help destroy the weapon?

They had mattered because of the lost crewmen.

Jonathan let out a breath he hadn't even been aware he was holding. It mattered because of the actual crewman or woman who had lost their life. He allowed himself a small smile.

Whatever innocence or naivety he had lost during the mission, the crew still mattered most to him, lives lost still mattered to him, life still mattered to him!

I still remember.

He didn't like how far he would go for a mission, a mission born partly out of vengeance for the millions lost, but he knew he couldn't go back to the same naivety he had had before.

Instead, he decided to settle somewhere in between.

**000 Please review! 000**


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